"Forever is longer than "until"

By Bob Perks ©2001

You'd expect me to write about the ocean after visiting the Ocean State. Perhaps too, you'd expect me to tell you about the people. Well there are stories in both categories waiting to drop from my fingertips onto this keyboard. My fantasies and dreams are heightened whenever I am near the shore. My heart has wings and glides along the up drafts competing with the seagulls. My soul is like a ship afloat an unsettled sea. It is tossed and turned by my feelings about things that are, things that were and things that might be.

This is not the piece one would expect of me. Or maybe it is. When my son married I wrote about his feet.
So why wouldn't I write about my first wife when I returned to Newport, Rhode Island after nearly 30 years?
Because my life has been an open book to all who care to turn the pages I write, I would have to share with you the emotions of going back in time to another life and another love.

Marianne, forgive me. But you of all people should know me well enough to expect this.

Some of you may have returned to the home of your childhood and stood on the steps where you once played. Still others may have triumphantly returned to the high school where pimple faced hopes and dreams played out in the hallways and school gym dances.

Who among you have ever returned to the dream world of a previous marriage?

There where three apartments in Newport where she and I lived happily married. After all this time I drove by them and they had changed. Mostly for the better. Fancier exteriors and much higher rentals separated the old days from the new. But the best of these fancy abodes stood on the corner of Narraganset and Annandale Road just one block from the famous Cliff Walks and two from the mansions. At night during the warmer months we slept with the screened windows open wide. You could easily hear the waves crashing against the rocky cliffs as you drifted off to sleep to the mournful sounds of fog horns and ship bells.

Yes, even back then I would awaken in the middle of the night and rush to put pen to pad. My stories and poems were freshly painted pictures of love and commitment.

Those memories all came rushing back to me as I stood upon the rocky shoreline along Ocean Drive. Unlike the Cliff Walks the ocean rises to touch your feet here. You can walk out far enough to feel like you are walking on water. But you are reminded that one needs to have respect for the ocean. Every so often a wave would come from no where and smash upon the rocks grabbing at you like a thief.

But then at times like this, I am so immersed in emotions I could cry "Take me. I'm yours!"

How odd it was that I should be standing here with my new love. I was surrounded by a world I left behind and it spoke at every turn about a dream that, like the ocean waves, was smashed and washed away.

I felt uncomfortable and sorry for Marianne. This was a replay of the first time I brought Karen here. I felt like all the rocks and birds were wondering who she was. I always sense a connection to all things in my world.

"Years ago you stood upon this shore and talked of forever," I could hear the rocks say. "What is forever in your world?"

"Well, life and love changes. People change and dreams are broken and forgotten. Forever is until..." I reply without real explanation.

"But love and marriage should be like the rocks you stood upon. Forever in this world is from the very beginning until there is no more. Yes, we too, have changed, " said the rock. "The persistent ocean waves have worn us down throughout the years. The storms that ravaged our shores were many. But "forever" is longer than "until," I sensed it saying to me.

"I am not the only one, I'm sure," I said in my heart.

"No, you are not. I am sorry to say the numbers have been too many to count throughout the years. This is a romantic spot, an "I Love you" spot. It is here along the shore that many a romance has begun. It is also a place for sadness. The ocean is filled with the tears of those who come here seeking answers," said the rock.

"It is also why I find this moment all so difficult. I see the forces of nature at work here. But I also see the hand of God. It is the more important reason for my standing here. I have come here to talk with Him. You see, a friend of mine needs a miracle. It was six years ago when he and his family were stationed here in the Navy. His young daughter, Ashley, was diagnosed with cancer for the first time. I am sure that they too, in happier times, stood right here upon these rocks filled with the dreams and hopes of a young family. Perhaps after learning of her cancer Tim walked along this shoreline in fear and looking up prayed to God for His Mercy. I ask you rock to understand my imperfections and permit me to stand high upon you and stretch out my arms toward my Heavenly Father and beg, perhaps as Tim did then, for His Mercy once more."

The ocean, which had been rough all day because of high winds circling from the north suddenly quieted. No I see no miraculous calming here. But simply an opportunity for me to step one level higher towards Heaven. I reached out my arms, stretching them full length and begged and pleaded her case. I know in my heart at that very moment thousands of voices were raised asking for help and guidance for whatever challenges they faced. I was just one more. But I have comfort in knowing He heard us all.

There was a multitude of reasons for my return to Newport. Perhaps to finally put to rest any unresolved feelings and guilt. I walked proudly with Marianne by my side introducing her to the world I threw away. It made it fresh again. It welcomed me back and as we crossed the Newport bridge toward home I heard it calling me again, "Come back one day, the two of you and settle here. Your spirit opens up and we connect so well. You have stories to write and there are stories to tell here. Come back."

I took one more look around and waved farewell. Then approaching the very top of the bridge even nearer to Heaven than before, I asked of God,

"And what about Ashley Hewitt?"

Tim, I know you are reading this. I heard "Trust in me for all things, for all ways, forever."

God only knows what that means. But I have learned that "forever" is longer than "until".

"I Believe in you!"
Bob Perks © 2001

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